Raped by someone I met on shaadi.com

I think this has got to be one of the toughest posts that I have ever written. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I was a victim of child abuse, and I think it led to a lot of damage to my psyche since I never had any counselling.

To give you some background, I was about 6 years old (as far as I can remember, maybe even earlier) that I started being molested by a family member. He used to make me believe that it was natural and would make me feel guilty if I denied him. Anyway, it definitely led to me being scared of being alone with any male member of my family, including my dad. And it has taken me a long time to get used to the idea of being comfortable around men.

So, I had one real relationship where my bf didn't want to actually have sex with me, and was fine with just making out. Once or twice, I asked him if he wanted to have intercourse, and he denied it, and that was fine by me, considering I was very apprehensive.

After we broke up, I was about 30 years of age and looking to settle down with the right guy. I met a few guys on shaadi but nothing seemed to work out. Then I met this guy called Vikas Gupta* who was apparently a financial consultant with a global consulting firm. He'd lived abroad for a decade or so, was back in India and was about my age (or so he said). We had been emailing and chatting with each other for a good six odd months before we finally met up. The day we met, I was running a high fever, so we briefly drove around for a while and he dropped me back.

The next morning, I got a text asking me how I was feeling etc. And this continued for the next few days, with him being all solicitous. I was flattered by all the attention he was paying me. After I got better, he asked me to meet him again. Said his parents were going to be out of town or some such, and that I could spend some time with him alone. In my naivete, I assumed he meant that we would probably make out, which was fine with me, since I had known him for some months and he seemed like a decent sort. Little did I know how wrong I was.

He picked me up and took me back home. On the way, he held my hand and asked me if I'd had something to eat, and generally made all the right moves. When we reached his place, he fetched me some food, then we sat down to watch telly. The telly, coincidentally, was in his bedroom, so while we were watching TV, he started fondling me. After a point, I asked him to stop, and he didn't. Just said what's the harm in going a little bit further. I trusted him and let him continue. When he tried to penetrate, I resisted and kept saying no repeatedly. Bear in mind that I'm a 5'2" tiny person. He forced himself on me, and started fucking me. I was, by this stage, extremely agitated and tensed, and as it was I was a virgin. I believe he found it difficult after a point, because I wasn't wet at all and tight to boot. He then asked me to turn around. More fool me, I obeyed, thinking he must have given up. At which point, he fucked me anally. Imagine my shock and pain. I was crying very hard by that time and felt like I was being shredded apart.

Anyway, he stopped after a little while, and was sarcastic about the fact that I was crying. He said stuff like "you have such a low pain threshold." Some time later, while I was still trying to gather my wits, he asked me to call a cab and go home.

For the next few days, I had to wear a sanitary napkin because I was bleeding so much. When I told him about this, he said that's normal. I could barely even walk and was too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. I have only now mustered up the courage to speak about it.

Hemal Patel*

Now this guy was my soulmate. We interacted on shaadi, and within a couple of days had exchanged close to 600 text messages. Both of us were going bankrupt, and he couriered me his spare BlackBerry so that we could use BBM and save ourselves some cash. We were on the phone as much as we could possible be, and if not that, then we were IMing each other constantly.

He was a divorcee, 37 years of age, and your quintessential Mumbaiite. We had so much to talk about that we never ran out of topics of conversation. I loved hearing him talk and it seemed like that was the case with him too. We had made plans for a few months all in advance, that's how much we were in to each other without having met.

Now, to understand what happened, I'll have to give you a bit of background. I am a victim of child molestation, which had long-term repercussions on my psyche. I don't know if that was a reason, but I was also raped by one such guy that I had met on this portal. (I'll share that story in another blog post.)

Coming back to HP, I had mentioned my child molestation incident to him, and he was genuinely sorry for me, or so it felt. We continued talking and making plans to meet in Bombay and then going to Goa together, however, I also wanted to share my rape incident with him because I wanted no secrets between us.

So one fine day, I gathered my courage and told him that I had something else to share, but would do so after we'd returned from Goa, which is when he'd share his divorce details. He was mighty curious and kept insisting that I share whatever I had to. I told him that it was related to my childhood incident. And he asked me if I'd gotten pregnant at the time.Ultimately, I had no choice but to tell him the whole sordid story. He seemed taken aback and asked me how I could have let that happen. I told him I was in a standalone house with no one around, and I was so petrified and choked with fear that my brain had shut down. He refused to believe me, and simply stopped communicating.

To this day, I wonder if I did the right thing by coming clean and if I should have just let bygones be bygones and not mentioned it at all. I tried multiple times to explain to him that I wasn't guilty of anything apart from naivete, but he never believed me.

I hope that someday he gets to read this post and realize what an effort it took on my part to take a risk in sharing my story with him, and how much grief it caused me later. I don't think I have ever found a guy, who seemed so much to be my soulmate.

*Names have been changed not to protect their privacy but only to protect myself from unwanted lawsuits.

Munish Kumar*

I met Munish Kumar* a few months back on Shaadi. Turns out he's been abroad for the last 20 odd years, stayed in multiple locations, well-educated and all that. He returned to India because his dad was diagnosed with cancer and he had to take care of the business. We started chatting and within a couple of days we were deeply in to each other. He was based out of Delhi but had business interests in Patna, Kolkata and elsewhere. Both of us had our birthdays in mid-May and were so similar, it was uncanny. Also, everything else seemed to be positive, in the sense that he earned well, lived on Shahjahan Road in New Delhi (people who're not familiar with Delhi, this is a very posh area), was half-Hindu and half-Christian, was smart, funny and charming and broad-minded enough to accept me the way I am.

He said he'd never been in a relationship with an Indian woman and he was apprehensive about trying it out but was forced to by his mom. On his profile, he'd mentioned that he was 37, had never been married (so obviously didn't have children!), didn't smoke, had a brother who was married. Most of it, as I found out later, was untrue. He smoked, had an illegitimate daughter in Bangkok, which is where he'd been staying before moving back to India, and was a couple of years older than he'd mentioned and neither did he have a brother.

Anyway, coming back to my story - he asked me to fly down to Patna to meet him and I did. He put me up in a hotel for the weekend and was generally infatuated with me as I was with him. To cut a long story short, we met a couple of other times and we agreed we were in a relationship. He had even said he'd meet my family and I told him to take his time, which was my biggest mistake (or not, depending on how you look at it).

A few months in to the relationship, I felt the beginnings of strain creeping in. I asked him if he wasn't interested and he said that he was just busy with work. This went on for about two months. I wanted to meet him and talk but he was being very evasive. Last month, he said he'd meet me, and made plans to go partying with me and a friend of mine. He said a friend of his, Sameer, would join us too, so we'd have a nice group to hang out in. He didn't turn up ultimately, ostensibly because of work.

He got in touch with me a few days back saying he was going to be in Mumbai and if I wanted to meet him. Of course, I was thrilled! I thought it'd give me an opportunity to talk to him and sort things out. Little did I know what was in store.

I kept calling him the evening we were supposed to meet and he didn't take my calls. Finally, a girl picked up the phone. She asked me who I was and what did I want to talk to him about. I was in a daze. I think my brain had picked up signals that my heart didn't want to believe. Nevertheless, I told her my name, and she claimed she had heard of me and seen my pics. I was intrigued because I had no clue who she was. Then she asked me if we were dating, and I asked her to ask him that question. She said she'd give the phone to him, when the line was disconnected. I was devastated.

I called back. He didn't take my call the first few times, but then picked up, I guess at her insistence. He was rude and brash and asked me what I wanted. I demanded an answer. He said he was "with her." I asked him what he meant by that. He said he was dating her and was engaged. I wanted to know why he didn't tell me this all this while. He said he didn't have an opportunity and wanted to meet me. He said I should've figured it out myself because he was being distant.

The other girl was apparently in shock. She wanted to speak with me and hear my side of the story. I don't know if she believed me or not, but seemed like she had no idea he was two-timing both of us. I hope wherever she is, she has the sense to walk out and get away from such a jerk. As for me, I am still trying to come to terms with it all. But I know I have given up on online matchmaking.

*Names have been changed not to protect their privacy but only to protect myself from unwanted lawsuits.

Molestation and its repercussions

How many of us have been molested? And how many of us have spoken about it? I've had guy friends who were molested as children too. I was..for a period of 6 years approximately. It started when I was about 6 years of age, and ended only when I attained puberty. That too it might not have ended there, but for the fact that I had been exposed to sex education and now understood that what was happening was wrong.

I was so scared of all men, including my dad and grandad, that I refused to be alone in the room with any man. However, this is something my parents still don't know. Maybe they guess, but I haven't told them in any case.

Getting back to being normal and not flinching when a guy touched me has been a long and tedious process. I still get uneasy if I have to be with a guy alone in a room for whatever reason.

I'm glad it happened, by the way. Because now I know that I'll ensure it never happens to my kids. I also have confidence in myself because I stood up to my molester and told him to back off or I'd report it to my parents. Yet for all my platitudes, it'll haunt me forever....

Relationships

I'm clueless. People say its hard to understand women, I beg to disagree. Can anyone explain why men are such perverse creatures? They don't compliment you nor say why they like you. Then they claim that they do care about you and you're supposed to know it? Pray tell me how? We're not mind readers, are we? Neither are we telepaths that we'll get to know what you are thinking.

Loneliness is a silent killer

Loneliness kills. No seriously, I mean it. It does kill a person. It is like a termite which gnaws away on wood till the entire piece becomes hollow and nothing but the outer shell remains. It slowly saps the person’s strengths, drains away all hopes leaving behind an emptiness which seems never-ending. Loneliness is the most debilitating of all emotions leaving behind nothing but negativity in its wake. It covers you like a shroud, blanking out all happiness and positivity and leaving only darkness.

Have you ever experienced it? I hope you haven’t, but in case you have, you would know what I am talking about. Right? Maybe you haven’t felt it this intensely; maybe you’ve experienced it in a lesser degree, but each of us, at some point of time, have experienced this emotion.

And you know something else? Some people, who you think are very happy and have no cares in this world, are the loneliest. They use their smiles to hide their sadness from the world. I’m sure you’ve come across such people. I have.

I’m no doctor or I don’t claim to give you a sure-fire cure for loneliness. There isn’t one! But in case you have a better idea, do let me know. In the meanwhile, I’ll tell you what I do. I’m a music fan and although I wish to listen to sad songs and ghazals when I am lonely, I do the exact opposite. I listen to music to which I can dance. In a short while, I feel much better.

Call and talk to friends whom you haven’t spoken to in a long time. You’ll definitely be livelier. Do something which you love to, be it pampering yourself or simply going for a walk. Take time out to breathe, meditate or just relax. Learn to be thankful about what you have and not mope about what you don’t. Lastly, remember you are your own best company. Take the time to discover yourself and you’ll see yourself in a new light. In this way, you’ll be on your way to becoming a better person.

P.S. I know its easier to preach rather than practice but I sincerely believe you can help yourself.