I think this has got to be one of the toughest posts that I have ever written. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I was a victim of child abuse, and I think it led to a lot of damage to my psyche since I never had any counselling.
To give you some background, I was about 6 years old (as far as I can remember, maybe even earlier) that I started being molested by a family member. He used to make me believe that it was natural and would make me feel guilty if I denied him. Anyway, it definitely led to me being scared of being alone with any male member of my family, including my dad. And it has taken me a long time to get used to the idea of being comfortable around men.
So, I had one real relationship where my bf didn't want to actually have sex with me, and was fine with just making out. Once or twice, I asked him if he wanted to have intercourse, and he denied it, and that was fine by me, considering I was very apprehensive.
After we broke up, I was about 30 years of age and looking to settle down with the right guy. I met a few guys on shaadi but nothing seemed to work out. Then I met this guy called Vikas Gupta* who was apparently a financial consultant with a global consulting firm. He'd lived abroad for a decade or so, was back in India and was about my age (or so he said). We had been emailing and chatting with each other for a good six odd months before we finally met up. The day we met, I was running a high fever, so we briefly drove around for a while and he dropped me back.
The next morning, I got a text asking me how I was feeling etc. And this continued for the next few days, with him being all solicitous. I was flattered by all the attention he was paying me. After I got better, he asked me to meet him again. Said his parents were going to be out of town or some such, and that I could spend some time with him alone. In my naivete, I assumed he meant that we would probably make out, which was fine with me, since I had known him for some months and he seemed like a decent sort. Little did I know how wrong I was.
He picked me up and took me back home. On the way, he held my hand and asked me if I'd had something to eat, and generally made all the right moves. When we reached his place, he fetched me some food, then we sat down to watch telly. The telly, coincidentally, was in his bedroom, so while we were watching TV, he started fondling me. After a point, I asked him to stop, and he didn't. Just said what's the harm in going a little bit further. I trusted him and let him continue. When he tried to penetrate, I resisted and kept saying no repeatedly. Bear in mind that I'm a 5'2" tiny person. He forced himself on me, and started fucking me. I was, by this stage, extremely agitated and tensed, and as it was I was a virgin. I believe he found it difficult after a point, because I wasn't wet at all and tight to boot. He then asked me to turn around. More fool me, I obeyed, thinking he must have given up. At which point, he fucked me anally. Imagine my shock and pain. I was crying very hard by that time and felt like I was being shredded apart.
Anyway, he stopped after a little while, and was sarcastic about the fact that I was crying. He said stuff like "you have such a low pain threshold." Some time later, while I was still trying to gather my wits, he asked me to call a cab and go home.
For the next few days, I had to wear a sanitary napkin because I was bleeding so much. When I told him about this, he said that's normal. I could barely even walk and was too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. I have only now mustered up the courage to speak about it.
11 comments:
Im so sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot even imagine your pain or experience. I wish neither you nor any girl ever has to go through this again and I hope that rapist burns in hell. And even for being able to write and post this, you are a strong woman and I hope you find help to get through it. I under the system in India is not helpful for women but I hope you are able to report this rape so some justice is given and he does not attack others.
Im so sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot even imagine your pain or experience. I wish neither you nor any girl ever has to go through this again and I hope that rapist burns in hell. And even for being able to write and post this, you are a strong woman and I hope you find help to get through it. I know the system in India is not helpful for women but I hope you are able to report this rape so some justice is given and he does not attack others.
We sent an interest to a person on shaadi.com by name Manav, he portraied to be in australia and a citizen of australia. the phone number was an indian registered mobile phone with +91 in the beginning. interest was accepted the next day and we received a call claiming that it was his brother from india. he had a long chat with me and said they liked my profile as i am indian and manav was in london (my initial surprisse) he said that the company he worked for had deputed him to london. i was happy and took manavs number. his brother told me to refrain using shaadi.com in front of manav as he did not like matrimonial websites and that his real name was raghav. i said ok and his brother sent me a long email showing how great his family was. i fell for the trick and called him the next day. he was pleased to speak to me and asked me to meet him the same day. i said ok and went to london to meet him. we started chatting all day and got close to each other he was ever so nice to me. i felt like a princess. i had only 2 serious relationships so no man had treated me this well. it was time for me to finish work in london and return to india as i was on a company trip. he invited me to meet him at his place and told me he would like to take me out to meet his friends as a good bye treat. he would later come to india to marry me and bring me back. i accepted and went to his house. he started to show me pictures of his family and friends and said the party was later in the evening. we went out for lunch to a nearby place and came back to his place. he started holding my hand and asked me out for a dance. i said ok. later started touching me which felt uncomfortable. i asked him to back off but he kept telling that i looked beautiful and started kissing me. i said no and pushed him away. he immediately called a friend who appeared from no where and held me down. i was raped. i cried and cried asking him to let me go but he did not accept. he later invited his friends in the evening. i was tied up and my mouth was closed. i tried to resist but was brutally raped by all of his friends who took turns. i was left completely devastated. he knew where i lived my hotel and all my information even though i had not parted with any of these information. i was next put on a flight back to india and warned that if i tell anyone they would kill me. i took up a challenge of finding him but no go. i went back to london tried to log a police complaint but no one would accept it as i had no evidence to prove it. he then kept me under threat for several months and i had to sleep with any man he would send. i lost my career my life and when i tried to find him or fight with him he would get mad and he killed my family in this and made me an orphan. i can never forget this incident. i am now living at an un disclosed location in the fear that he would catch me. india is his place of operation so i could not run anywhere. i am an illegal immigrant at an undiscloded country. how does shaadi.com allow people to post profiles without screening them. i would ask anupam mittal to check these incidents and close his damn website. this would obviously save lives of innocent people.
We sent an interest to a person on shaadi.com by name Manav, he portraied to be in australia and a citizen of australia. the phone number was an indian registered mobile phone with +91 in the beginning. interest was accepted the next day and we received a call claiming that it was his brother from india. he had a long chat with me and said they liked my profile as i am indian and manav was in london (my initial surprisse) he said that the company he worked for had deputed him to london. i was happy and took manavs number. his brother told me to refrain using shaadi.com in front of manav as he did not like matrimonial websites and that his real name was raghav. i said ok and his brother sent me a long email showing how great his family was. i fell for the trick and called him the next day. he was pleased to speak to me and asked me to meet him the same day. i said ok and went to london to meet him. we started chatting all day and got close to each other he was ever so nice to me. i felt like a princess. i had only 2 serious relationships so no man had treated me this well. it was time for me to finish work in london and return to india as i was on a company trip. he invited me to meet him at his place and told me he would like to take me out to meet his friends as a good bye treat. he would later come to india to marry me and bring me back. i accepted and went to his house. he started to show me pictures of his family and friends and said the party was later in the evening. we went out for lunch to a nearby place and came back to his place. he started holding my hand and asked me out for a dance. i said ok. later started touching me which felt uncomfortable. i asked him to back off but he kept telling that i looked beautiful and started kissing me. i said no and pushed him away. he immediately called a friend who appeared from no where and held me down. i was raped. i cried and cried asking him to let me go but he did not accept. he later invited his friends in the evening. i was tied up and my mouth was closed. i tried to resist but was brutally raped by all of his friends who took turns. i was left completely devastated. he knew where i lived my hotel and all my information even though i had not parted with any of these information. i was next put on a flight back to india and warned that if i tell anyone they would kill me. i took up a challenge of finding him but no go. i went back to london tried to log a police complaint but no one would accept it as i had no evidence to prove it. he then kept me under threat for several months and i had to sleep with any man he would send. i lost my career my life and when i tried to find him or fight with him he would get mad and he killed my family in this and made me an orphan. i can never forget this incident. i am now living at an un disclosed location in the fear that he would catch me. india is his place of operation so i could not run anywhere. i am an illegal immigrant at an undiscloded country. how does shaadi.com allow people to post profiles without screening them. i would ask anupam mittal to check these incidents and close his damn website. this would obviously save lives of innocent people.
Manisha, I am so sorry. I feel your pain girl. I hope better things are in store for you. Write to me if you ever feel like venting.
Hi Manisha Gupta.. I think I know abt this guy , who did this inhumane thing.. Coz I went through the same thing recently... S pls mail me at manvitad8@gmail.com.. Probably we can do something abt this if he turns out to be the same guy. Wil be waiting for ur mail.. Thanks..
Hi manisha .. I think I know abt this guy.., coz I went through the same experience recently. Pls mail me at manvitad8@gmail.com.. Wil b waiting..
Hi Manisha Gupta.. I think I know abt this guy , who did this inhumane thing.. Coz I went through the same thing recently... S pls mail me at manvitad8@gmail.com.. Probably we can do something abt this if he turns out to be the same guy. Wil be waiting for ur mail.. Thanks..
I may know this person. Does he speak Bengali and is he overweight
I'm surprised that there are so many out there who've faced similar situations. How is it that shaadi.com still exists? We really should get together and do something about it.
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